Apoloblogology

FLASH! Most Americans Unamerican

2009-08-10T05:49:00.003-05:00

Asking hard questions of an administration during wartime is apparently unamerican. So, apparently, is asking hard questions about sketchy fast-tracked healthcare legislation, according to a new op/ed article in USA Today by Nancy Pelosi and Steny Hoyer. It's a wonder they haven't thrown me out of the country.

Every crisis is another opportunity for a Federal power grab. If you can name a time when our government hasn't used the fear and pain of the people to give itself more permanent powers, then please draw it to my attention. To our increasingly power-hungry gorilla government, I have this to say:

Also, I hereby offer unlimited high-fives to anyone who can determine the person who said the following without the aid of search engines:

"I am sick and tired of people who say that if you debate and disagree with this administration somehow you're not patriotic. We should stand up and say we are Americans and we have a right to debate and disagree with any administration."

Add your guesses to the combox below!

I Posted This A Long Time Ago, But I Find It To Be Very Much Worth Revisiting.

2009-08-06T06:36:00.002-05:00

I only bring it up because I find parallels between this and the magical health care reform that will soon provide for all of my bodily ills if I just have faith in it.

Thi$ Day In Hi$tory

2009-08-05T06:30:00.002-05:00

On August 5, 1861, the United States Government under President Abraham Lincoln levied the first ever income tax, which demanded 3% of the income of persons making $800 per year or more.

I wonder what my life would be like if I was able to keep 97% of my income...

The Most Hilarious Piece Of Speculative Pseudojournalism On Michael Phelps And The Pope That I've Read So Far

2009-08-03T06:31:00.004-05:00

Editor's Warning: Do not read the following without eating; you may have to clean your screen and keyboard afterward.

From deadspin.com comes the "truth" about why the moustacheless heir to the Throne of Spitz decided to sleep in instead of going to Castel Gandolfo:

It's not because he got high (as we all know, the Pope smokes dope). The reason famous fish-person Michael Phelps won't meet with the Nazi Pope is buried deep in his family history, as revealed on his Wikipedia page.

It's all because of these seemingly unimportant words, from the "Personal Life" section of his user-generated biography: "His father, Fred Phelps...."

Michael Phelps' father is Fred Phelps. Unless there is more than one Fred Phelps in America, that means the Olympic champion swimmer's father is the psychotic ruler of the Westboro Baptist Church, and the creator of the famous slogan and website "God Hates Fags" and its slightly lesser known campaign, "Priests Rape Boys."

Given the statistical impossibility of the name "Fred" and the surname "Phelps" ever being combined in more than one person, it would appear that the author's logic is flawless.

Do yourself a favor and read the whole thing. It has all the piss and vinegar of a Jack Chick tirade combined with killer Lone Gunman action. Some things are just too hilarious to make me mad.

Upon The Feast Of St. Alphonsus Liguori

2009-08-01T05:35:00.002-05:00

The publishing house named after him needs my completed transcript 14 days from now.

If you're having trouble figuring out who St. Alphonsus is, here's a hint: He's the guy who wrote this.

A Windy Inheritance

2009-07-21T07:13:00.004-05:00

On July 21, 1925, Tennessee schoolteacher John Scopes was found guilty of teaching evolution and fined $100, perhaps the lowest price ever paid by any martyr for any cause.

Historically, the "Monkey Trial" of 1925 has been often used to pit science and religion against one another. Less understood is how much this trial represented the divisions in American society between rural and urban cultures, academia and the working classes, populists and elitists, conservatives and progressives, and North and South. And perhaps the biggest question at all posed by the trial is whether or not majority opinion is sufficent to define truth. None of these intricacies, by the way, are adequately or fairly explored in that lousy piece of big-city elitist propaganda known as Inherit the Wind.

(Longtime readers of this blog will recall that a couple of years back, I posted a six-part series on the historiography of this infamous event. Fun stuff.)

Upon The Feast Of St. Lawrence Of Brindisi

2009-07-21T05:12:00.002-05:00

In addition to the Italian he was raised speaking, and the Latin he used in Church, he studied French, German, Greek, Spanish, Syriac, and Hebrew.

St. Lawrence, if you're reading this:

prega per noi!

ora pro nobis!

priez pour nous!

bitte für uns!

προσεύχονται για μας!

ora para nosotros!

להתפלל עבור לנו!

(and my apologies, Fra Lorenzo- I don't know how to ask for your prayers in Syriac.)

The Reason I'm Glad That I Am On The Mailing List For Christian Country Music Trade Publications...

2009-07-15T06:15:00.002-05:00

...is because I get to see what happens when The Power Team meets Cletus T. Judd.

Public Service Announcement

2009-07-15T06:02:00.002-05:00

Again, apologies for my absence. I have a book due to the publisher one month from today.

In the meantime, do yourselves a favor and watch the following- more people might be affected by the condition in the below video than you realize.

Quote Of The Day

2009-07-13T11:33:00.002-05:00

From Ross Douthat on all the Caritas in Veritate aftershocks:

Papal encyclicals are supposed to be written with one eye on two millenniums of Catholic teaching, and the other on eternity. But Americans, as a rule, have rather narrower horizons. As soon as the media have finished scanning a Vatican document for references to sex, the debate begins in earnest: Is it good for the left, or for the right? For Democrats, or for Republicans?"

Here's What You're Doing Tonight:

2009-07-07T16:02:00.002-05:00

Walking, driving or flying to Covington, KY, to watch me open for Cool Hand Luke, one of the all-time greatest and most underappreciated bands ever to strike a string with a pick. Details for tonight's show are available here.

And by the way, sorry for the recent lack of blogging; I have a book due to the publisher August 15. Actual writing duty calleth.

R.I.P. Karl Malden, 1912-2009

2009-07-01T14:47:00.001-05:00

The man behind my favorite movie portrayal of a priest ever.

Upon The Feast Of St. Irenaeus Of Lyons

2009-06-28T07:11:00.002-05:00

St. John the Evangelist's "Spiritual Grandson."

"It is possible, then, for everyone in every church, who may wish to know the truth, to contemplate the tradition of the apostles which has been made known to us throughout the whole world. And we are in a position to enumerate those who were instituted bishops by the apostles and their successors down to our own times, men who neither knew nor taught anything like what these heretics rave about....Surely they wished all those and their successors, to whom they handed on their authority, to be perfect and without reproach" (Against Heresies 3:3:1 [inter A.D. 180-199]).

Upon The Feast Of St. Cyril Of Alexandria

2009-06-27T07:29:00.002-05:00

NESTORIANISM EQUALS BAD

Who wants a God-man who can't decide if he's God or Man?

Michael Jackson And The Sabbath

2009-06-26T11:37:00.004-05:00

Some say that the Catholic Church moves too slowly, and in comparison to the rest of the world, that may be true. For example, when it comes to canonizing someone, there's usually an investigative process that can take years, even centuries to complete. The world, by contrast, canonizes everyone at their funerals. If you don't believe that, just listen to the remarks at the next funeral you go to. The dead person is almost always "up there right now, looking down and smiling."

Such a canonization process is being carried out in many circles at the passing of Michael Jackson. Fortunately, I have enough questions about my own eternal destination that I'm not near so bold as to presume to know the destinations of anyone else. But it's impossible to talk about death without talking about God.

As such, I found myself drawn to an article published today on Beliefnet written by none other than the late Michael Jackson. It gives interesting insight into both his tortured popularity and his theology, which might be described as a blend of Kaballah and the belief of Jehovah's Witnesses. Here's an excerpt:

...what I wanted more than anything was to be ordinary. So, in my world, the Sabbath was the day I was able to step away from my unique life and glimpse the everyday.

Sundays were my day for "Pioneering," the term used for the missionary work that Jehovah's Witnesses do. We would spend the day in the suburbs of Southern California, going door to door or making the rounds of a shopping mall, distributing our Watchtower magazine. I continued my pioneering work for years and years after my career had been launched.

Up to 1991, the time of my Dangerous tour, I would don my disguise of fat suit, wig, beard, and glasses and head off to live in the land of everyday America, visiting shopping plazas and tract homes in the suburbs. I loved to set foot in all those houses and catch sight of the shag rugs and La-Z-Boy armchairs with kids playing Monopoly and grandmas baby-sitting and all those wonderfully ordinary and, to me, magical scenes of life. Many, I know, would argue that these things seem like no big deal. But to me they were positively fascinating...

Sundays were sacred for two other reasons as I was growing up. They were both the day that I attended church and the day that I spent rehearsing my hardest. This may seem against the idea of "rest on the Sabbath," but it was the most sacred way I could spend my time: developing the talents that God gave me. The best way I can imagine to show my thanks is to make the very most of the gift that God gave me.

Church was a treat in its own right. It was again a chance for me to be "normal." The church elders treated me the same as they treated everyone else. And they never became annoyed on the days that the back of the church filled with reporters who had discovered my whereabouts. They tried to welcome them in. After all, even reporters are the children of God.

When I was young, my whole family attended church together in Indiana. As we grew older, this became difficult, and my remarkable and truly saintly mother would sometimes end up there on her own. When circumstances made it increasingly complex for me to attend, I was comforted by the belief that God exists in my heart, and in music and in beauty, not only in a building. But I still miss the sense of community that I felt there--I miss the friends and the people who treated me like I was simply one of them. Simply human. Sharing a day with God.

When I became a father, my whole sense of God and the Sabbath was redefined. When I look into the eyes of my son, Prince, and daughter, Paris, I see miracles and I see beauty. Every single day becomes the Sabbath. Having children allows me to enter this magical and holy world every moment of every day. I see God through my children. I speak to God through my children. I am humbled for the blessings He has given me.

There have been times in my life when I, like everyone, has had to wonder about God's existence. When Prince smiles, when Paris giggles, I have no doubts. Children are God's gift to us. No--they are more than that--they are the very form of God's energy and creativity and love. He is to be found in their innocence, experienced in their playfulness.

My most precious days as a child were those Sundays when I was able to be free. That is what the Sabbath has always been for me. A day of freedom. Now I find this freedom and magic every day in my role as a father. The amazing thing is, we all have the ability to make every day the precious day that is the Sabbath. And we do this by rededicating ourselves to the wonders of childhood. We do this by giving over our entire heart and mind to the little people we call son and daughter. The time we spend with them is the Sabbath. The place we spend it is called Paradise.

RIP Michael Jackson, 1958-2009

2009-06-26T06:43:00.000-05:00

I want to remember him like this and not like this.

Not dead, however: Apoloblogology Special Correspondent Dr. Ian Malcolm.

Reconnecting the Disconnect

2009-06-25T04:39:00.003-05:00

Why outlaw eugenics? People will just seek back-alley means for eliminating the unfit. Thank goodness we live in a society where eugenic practices are safe and legal.

Upon The Feast Of St. Thomas More

2009-06-22T08:41:00.000-05:00

The Fool Hath Said In His Heart, "There Is No God"

2009-06-22T06:50:00.003-05:00

But occasionally, he comes up with some funny stuff. Case in point: satirical snake-oiler atheists have come up with a clever pseudo-ploy to write themselves into the living wills of rapture enthusiasts by taking care of their pets after they shed their clothes and shoot heavenward:

Do you wonder what is going to happen to your pets when Jesus descends from Heaven to re-unite the Church with the Father taking all Christians - dead and alive - up to Heaven? Will your pets be left behind with no-one to care for them?

Have no fear! We at Post Rapture Pet Care are confirmed atheists and as such will be part of the left behind when the time comes. Just because we are atheists doesn't mean we are not animal lovers. We adore all kind of pets and would love to look after your pets after you are gone.

For a small donation of £69.99 pounds, we will make sure your pets are well fed and taken care of long after you and your family have been taken up.

That's the latest from the "I Wish I Had Thought Of That First" files.

Jasmine Swats Fly, Receives Universal Acclaim

2009-06-18T07:01:00.002-05:00

I do this kind of thing all the time. How come I never get these kind of accolades?

After watching the clip, Apoloblogology Pest Elimination Correspondent Mr. Miyagi grunted disapprovingly and muttered, "beginner luck."

HAHAHAHASTEPHENBALDWINHAHAHA

2009-06-17T13:10:00.002-05:00

Ah, the Onion. Making me laugh a lot, these days:

Stephen Baldwin's Personal Assistant Promoted To Stephen Baldwin

Thank you, Terry of the Technological Talismans.

By the way, readers of this blog might misread a distaste for Stephen Baldwin. Not so. We think he is delicious.

Giant Obama Head Stopping For A Big Gulp?

2009-06-17T06:02:00.004-05:00

When seated on the upper torso, the entire bust is 20 feet tall, and will be displayed in President's Park at Mount Rushmore. To be fair, I would remind critics that's only half as tall as the statue of Saddam Hussein that was toppled in 2003.

Oversized upper torsos of dead former presidents make me feel a little wierd. But for some reason, oversized upper torsos of living current presidents are fodder for my nightmares. Something having to do with Caesar, or something. The whole phenomenon makes me wonder if they'll ever bust someone for slaughtering animals or burning incense illegaly in the park.

Another Sacrifice To The God Of Future Worshippers

2009-06-16T06:09:00.003-05:00

Remember, kids, all scientific advance is good because it was created by man. Evil is not a created thing in the scientific community; it is merely the denial of the intentions of science. That's the kind of thinking that leads to things like this:

A mother desperate to have a second child has told how she lost her last IVF embryo when the U.K. National Health Service implanted it into the wrong patient.

When the other woman found out that the embryo was not hers, she aborted it.

Details of the blunder raise fresh questions about the way IVF clinics are regulated.

The Sunday Times has previously revealed that women undergoing fertility treatment have had their eggs fertilized with the wrong sperm.

More and more, I feel like I'm living in an alternate universe in the back of Aldous Huxley's mind.

This is further proof of our culture of death and narcissim, and of the persistent postmodern premise that human life has meaning when we assign it meaning.

Someone Should Be Filming This

2009-06-16T05:36:00.002-05:00

From Cincinnati.com:

Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco says he plans to stay with quarterback Carson Palmer’s family in July to make up for the lost time of the pair not working together much during the offseason.

Ochocinco spoke about his relationship with Palmer before appearing on “Joe Buck Live” on HBO on Monday night.

“We do argue all the time like a married couple,” he said. “I think that’s why we’ve been so successful together, because we have that type of relationship we can get on one another.”

Palmer had publicly criticized Ochocinco for not participating in offseason workouts. Ochocinco returned for organized team activities last week.

“For the time that I missed with Carson throughout the offseason, I’m going to make it up in July,” Ochocinco said.

I'm guessing that the first time Carson catches Chad drinking straight from the milk jug, there's gonna be trouble in paradise...

Upon The Feast Of St. Vitus

2009-06-15T04:41:00.002-05:00

Boiled to death with a rooster. Patron saint against oversleeping.

Upon The Feast Of St Anthony Of Padua

2009-06-13T05:33:00.002-05:00

I found today's saint! And my keys...

Gomer Pyle and Corpus Christi

2009-06-12T05:28:00.002-05:00

I can connect the two in one move.

Since Today is Jim Nabors' 79th birthday, and Sunday is the Solemnity of The Most Holy Body and Blood of Christ, it only seems appropriate to post the singing marine's rendition of "Panis Angelicus," the great Eucharistic hymn of Thomas Aquinas. Enjoy.

Upon The Feast Of St. Barnabas

2009-06-11T05:34:00.000-05:00

Zeus to Paul's Hermes.

Upon The Feast Of St. Brigid Of Ireland

2009-06-10T04:14:00.000-05:00

"I would like a great lake of beer for the King of Kings.
I would like to be watching Heaven’s family drinking it through all eternity."

If It Happened, It Happened. Also, If It Could Have Happened, It Happened.

2009-06-09T06:21:00.003-05:00

It doesn't matter whether or not Christians are actually protesting the release of the EA video game "Dante's Inferno;" what matters is that EA thought that people would expect it to happen. When a negative reaction to the game didn't materialize organically, EA decided it was time to manufacture some dissent:

Video game giant Electronic Arts has admitted it funded a group of fake protesters who pretended to be Christians as a publicity stunt to spur interest in its upcoming action game very loosely based on Dante’s “Inferno.”

The game company hired a group of almost 20 people to stand outside the Electronic Entertainment Expo in Los Angeles on Wednesday, the Associated Press says. The phony protesters passed out amateurish material and held signs bearing slogans such as “Trade in Your PlayStation for a PrayStation,” “Hell is not a Game” and “EA = Electronic Anti-Christ.”

Holly Rockwood, an EA spokeswoman, said the charade was arranged by a viral marketing agency hired by the company.

A web page in the crude style of 1990s web design was also created in connection with the stunt. It depicted crosses crushing the word “sin” and placed images of the King James Bible among phony condemnations and thinly-veiled promotions of the game.

“A video game hero does not have the authority to save and damn... ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE. and he will not judge the sinners who play this game kindly,” the site said.

I tried to find the website and couldn't.

I don't know whether I'm amused, or (pardon the pun) inflamed by this stunt. But I do know that I'm amused by this little gem that the writer of the above article decided to sneak into the copy:

Dante placed the fraudulent and the sowers of discord in the penultimate Eighth Circle.

All of this raises an interesting ethical question: does unfairly representing someone you believe to be a bigot make you a bigot too? Methinks it does.

Upon Trinity Sunday

2009-06-07T07:37:00.002-05:00

Or, as a priest friend of mine refers to it, "Heresy Sunday."

If you're going to get something wrong, this is probably the thing you're going to get wrong.

In The Words Of Stephen Baldwin: "There's More Going On Here Than You Realize, Baby."

2009-06-06T09:54:00.003-05:00

Is this valid? Proper form: check. Proper matter: check. Proper intention? It at least seems to be the case with Stephen...

Is it piling on to baptize someone in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and in the name of Jesus Christ?

You Can't Make This Stuff Up

2009-06-06T09:47:00.004-05:00

Mainstream Christianity is always trying to keep up with the secular Joneses. This week, it appears that the Christian Brett Michaels has married the Christian Pamela Anderson:

She was a call girl working the streets of Sin City. He's a guitarist in a heavy metal band. They found commonality in their Christian faith and Friday evening, the two were married in a Las Vegas, Nevada, ceremony broadcast live via the Web.

Annie Lobért, who founded Hookers for Jesus, and musician Oz Fox of the Christian band Stryper said their "I do's" at the Church of South Las Vegas in front of an applauding crowd and an audience on the Internet.

Whether it's watching Franky Schaffer brand himself as a hatemonger, watching Stephen Baldwin baptize Spencer from "The Hills" while Sanjaya reads the Gospel, or watching a dude from Stryper marry a Christian hooker, you just can't predict what American religion will come up with next...

Upon The Feast Of St. Boniface

2009-06-05T07:02:00.003-05:00

BONIFACE SMASH!

Another Interview I Am Not Likely To Schedule: Dr Maureen Jennings

2009-06-04T06:49:00.004-05:00

Thought I'd "kick off" your Thursday with this unlikely press release that showed up in my inbox this morning:

Doctor Offers Tips for Healthy, Attractive Feet For the Barefoot Season

Topic Summary:

Warm weather means bare feet, but this can lead to trouble.

Millions of Americans struggle with foot fungus.

Foot fungus causes discomfort and embarrassment.

Individuals can pick up fungus infections, such as athlete’s foot, by walking barefoot in gym locker rooms, public showers or even hotel rooms.

·People with depressed immune systems, such as diabetics, have a higher risk of developing foot fungus. Diabetic patients can experience serious injuries as a result of sunburn, irritation from sandals, tight shoes, stepping on rocks and sharp shells in the surf.

·Athletes have a higher risk because of more wear in occlusive shoes combined with repeated nail trauma. This is especially true for hikers, runners, backpackers, as well as, soccer, basketball and tennis players.

Dr. Maureen Jennings, podiatrist and spokesperson for Pedinol Pharmacal’s Fungoid Tincture (www.fungoid.net) – a foot fungus remedy – says healthy feet are always important, but even more so during the warm weather months. She has a list of 11 simple tips that can help your listeners keep their feet healthy and free of infection during the barefoot seasons.

Discussion Topics:

-What are the 11 tips for keeping my feet healthy for the warm weather months?
-What are the first lines of defense that prevent getting fungus on your feet?
-Why should people wear “shower shoes” in public bathing areas?
-Why should people change their socks or hose at least once a day?
-Is there a technique for clipping nails that actually helps promote healthy feet?
-Does my brand of sock matter? Are there different types of socks or hose that are better for my feet?
-How often should I clean my nail clippers and cuticle scissors?

Topic Overview

At the beach, at the pool, or just walking in sandals, it’s the time of year when your feet get to breathe. But how do you keep your feet healthy as you expose them to dangers like athlete’s foot and other maladies that can make your feet itch, swell or just look ugly?

“It’s not enough just to keep your feet clean,”said Dr. Jennings. “A lot of people tend to ignore their feet, and as a result they expose them to all kinds of infections and problems that can cause them to be both unhealthy and unsightly. The last thing you want during the warm weather months is to be forced to hide your feet because they’re red, itchy or inflamed. And let’s face it guys, wearing socks with sandals is one quick way to make the ‘loser’s list’ with the ladies.”

According to Dr. Jennings, If you can follow 11 easy steps, you can have happy feet all year long.

-Proper hygiene and regular inspection of the feet and toes are the first lines of defense against fungal infections.

-Clean and dry feet resist disease.

-Washing the feet with soap and water, remembering to dry thoroughly, is the best way to prevent an infection.

-Shower shoes should be worn when possible in public areas.

-Shoes, socks, or hosiery should be changed more than once daily.

-Toenails should be clipped straight across so that the nail does not extend beyond the tip of the toe.

-Wear shoes that fit well and are made of materials that breathe.

-Avoid wearing excessively tight hosiery, which promote moisture-Socks made of synthetic fiber tend to "wick" away moisture faster than cotton or wool socks.

-Disinfect home pedicure tools-Don't apply polish to nails suspected of infection—those that are red, discolored, or swollen, for example.

“Another thing to watch for ladies, is the nail salon,” she said. “As times get tough, some salons are cutting corners on the sterilization of their tools and soaking tubs. Ask your salon attendant if they’ve washed their equipment before they start working on your feet. Germs and bacteria can grow in the tubs they use to soak your feet, so if it looks dirty, insist they clean it with soap and hot water before they refill it for your session.”

Dr. Jennings also recommends men be extra careful about foot care when visiting the gym.

“Those showers and locker rooms at the gym are breeding grounds for all kinds of fungus and bacteria, but you can fight it if you make sure you dry your feet thoroughly after you shower and put on a pair of clean socks after your shower. You wouldn’t put on the same shirt you used for your workout after showering, so why would you want to wear the same socks from your workout after you cleaned up?”

No offense to any of the involved parties, but I'm booting this one.

"Single Issue" Advocacy

2009-06-03T06:47:00.004-05:00

Mad props to anyone who can determine who wrote the essay from which the following was excerpted (no Googling!):

“The question of “life” is The Question of the 20th century. Race and poverty are dimensions of the life question, but discussions about abortion have brought the issue into focus in a much sharper way…

… Politicians argue for abortion largely because they do not want to spend the necessary money to feed, clothe and educate more people. Here arguments for in-convenience and economic savings take precedence over arguments for human value and human life…

… There are those who argue that the right to privacy is of higher order than the right to life. I do not share that view. I believe that life is not private, but rather it is public and universal. If one accepts the position that life is private, and therefore you have the right to do with it as you please, one must also accept the conclusion of that logic. That was the premise of slavery. You could not protest the existence or treatment of slaves on the plantation because that was private and therefore outside of your right to concerned.

… If something can be dehumanized through the rhetoric used to describe it, then the major battle has been won… Those advocates of taking. life prior to birth do not call it killing or murder; they call it abortion. They further never talk about aborting a baby because that would imply something human. Rather they talk about aborting the fetus. Fetus sounds less than human and therefore can be justified…

… What happens to the mind of a person, and the moral fabric of a nation, that accepts the aborting of the life of a baby without a pang of conscience? What kind of a person, and what kind of a society will we have 20 years hence if life can be taken so casually?”

Feel free to submit your guesses in the combox below!

Pentecost, Tobit, And Tiller

2009-06-01T11:32:00.005-05:00

Sometimes the readings from Mass just happen to line up with current events in a way that can be at times either poignant or sobering. Today’s first reading from the book of Tobit does both.

Tobit, the author of the book which bears his name, is in a state of rejoicing over the feast of Pentecost. Tobit’s celebration, as we know, predates the coming of Christ, and the subsequent descent of the Holy Spirit; but nonetheless, his heart is uplifted at the feast which commemorates the fiftieth day since Passover. I shared this sentiment as I made my way toward Church yesterday morning. However, as I sat through Mass, my thoughts were saddled with the typical onus of liturgical nitpickery, and, as is my concupiscent tendency, I found myself in the sort of spiritual state in which I knew that it would be inappropriate for me to receive the Eucharist.

On the walk home, my wife (to whom I sometimes refer as Jiminy Cricket), pointed out to me what I know intimately, but acknowledge rarely; namely that most of the time, I’m too big for my theological and liturgical britches. As with many a major feast, I had been too petty and obsessed with my own preferences (which I hereby stubbornly maintain are superior) to fully recognize the significance of what was being commemorated. Unlike Tobit, I left the feast not fed, but with a self-inflicted,
dissatisfied hunger.

We had been home for a couple of hours when the news came across the wire; George Tiller, the notorious abortionist, had been shot dead. At Church. While ushering. I immediately thought about the ushers at my geographical parish. What did I know about any of them? What did they do for a living? If someone burst into Mass one morning and gunned one of them down, would I have any idea as to why?

George Tiller. Mass murderer, if you believe what science has confirmed over and over again; that human life begins at conception. Calculated civil rights abuser, if you understand that every civil rights movement has fought for the rights and recognition of the equal dignity of each person. Cold-blooded assassin, if you recognize that vacuuming the brains out of a baby as it begins to take its first breath represents something other than a “woman’s right to her own body.” Could I still retain some mental energy for Pentecost?

And then, as in my case, Tobit’s parade was targeted by a downpour. In came the distressed Tobias, interrupting the Pentecost festivities with the announcement of a killing in the streets. “One of our people has been murdered!” Tobit’s job was now to do what nobody else would do, for fear of the state; to bury the dead, something even non-Catholics recognize as a work of mercy.

Was George Tiller one of “us?” Yes and no. Taken alone, his medical track record proves him to be a butcher of the most senseless variety, apparently without conscience or relent. If we believe man is made in the imago Dei, and that he bears that image before he escapes the birth canal, then we know that the actions of Tiller were those of a man who had either a diabolical disregard for or a pathological ignorance of what he was doing.

And yet, he was gunned down on a Sunday morning, in his house of worship. Dr. Tiller was baptized in the Trinitarian form. His soul bore the graces, however impeded, of a Sacrament recognized by Catholics and non-Catholics alike. And so the ability of us prognosticators down here to determine what happened to Tiller once he flat-lined became more difficult, as though we had any sway in the matter anyway. To our great dissatisfaction, we are unable to verify whether Tiller died in a state of unrepentance, or whether this was the one morning out of thousands upon which he awoke and prayed, “God have mercy on me, a sinner!”

It was the feast of Pentecost, and I abstained from Holy Communion. I knew that to participate in the Eucharist in my state of pride would be a damning act. And I went home, and damned George Tiller in my mind. I know that no moral equivalency can be made between being cynical about Church music and murdering defenseless people. And yet, at the same time, I mourned with Tobit. And without fear of persecution, I began to seek ways to bury the dead.

Upon The Feast Of Pentecost

2009-05-31T12:08:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday, Church.

I Have Watched This A Hundred Times, But This Morning, I Felt The Urge To Watch It Again

2009-05-29T04:15:00.001-05:00

I Almost Spewed My Coffee Out Of My Mouth

2009-05-29T04:11:00.001-05:00

I'm always excited to hear when words that are given a small amount of play in the Bible make it into common parlance, or are at least recognized by the dictionary. The word "shibboleth," for example, is just plain fun to say, and while the meaning of the word "pharisaic" these days has been broadened to mean "anyone who disagrees with me on matters of religious discipline," at least it's still out there (although I would love to see the word "sadducean" used more often, particularly on the Jesus Seminar, et al). So imagine my delight when this little tidbit came across the wire:

Thirteen-year-old Kavya Shivashankar of Olathe, Kansas, spelled "laodicean," Thursday night to take top honors in the 82nd annual Scripps National Spelling Bee.

The eighth-grader won $40,000 in cash and prizes for nailing the final word. Pronounced lay-odd-uh-see-an, the word means lukewarm or indifferent, particularly in matters of politics or religion.

When interviewed about the prize money, young Kavya was reported to say this: "I am rich, and increased with goods, and have need of nothing."

Why Michael Emerson Is Amazing As Ben Linus

2009-05-19T11:15:00.001-05:00

What The Vice President Meant To Say: Here's How To Find Me And Kill Me

2009-05-19T06:31:00.004-05:00

Joe Biden has become such an entertaining public figure that we here at Apoloblogology have decided to elevate him to the level of Unintentional Humor Correspondent, joining the ranks of Stephen Baldwin and Aimee Semple MacPherson. His latest: revealing the location of a secret bunker used to hide the Vice President in instances of grave threats to his life:

According to a report, while recently attending the Gridiron Club dinner in Washington, an annual event where powerful politicians and media elite get a chance to cozy up to one another, Biden told his dinnermates about the existence of a secret bunker under the old U.S. Naval Observatory, which is now the home of the vice president.

The bunker is believed to be the secure, undisclosed location former Vice President Dick Cheney remained under protection in secret after the 9/11 attacks.

According to (Eleanor) Clift's report on the Newsweek blog, Biden "said a young naval officer giving him a tour of the residence showed him the hideaway, which is behind a massive steel door secured by an elaborate lock with a narrow connecting hallway lined with shelves filled with communications equipment."

Clift continued: "The officer explained that when Cheney was in lock down, this was where his most trusted aides were stationed, an image that Biden conveyed in a way that suggested we shouldn't be surprised that the policies that emerged were off the wall."

And of course, no wacky statement by the man a heartbeat away from the presidency would be complete without some poor, poor spokesperson attempting to say that the VP actually meant to say the opposite of what he actually did say:

"What the Vice President described in his comments was not -- as some press reports have suggested (my note: and as Biden himself suggested)-- an underground facility, but rather, an upstairs workspace in the residence, which he understood was frequently used by Vice President Cheney and his aides," said Biden's spokesperson Elizabeth Alexander. "That workspace was converted into an upstairs guestroom when the Bidens moved into the residence. There was no disclosure of classified information."

Translation: my boss doesn't actually know what's classified and what's not.

Again, I urge the press office of the White House: please, please, please, don't ever make Joe Biden stop talking.

Upon The Feast Of St. Matthias The Apostle

2009-05-14T04:23:00.002-05:00

Patron saint of backup plans?

I Didn't Know There Was A Name For That

2009-05-09T04:47:00.002-05:00

Sorry for the image.

Shortly after the release of the film Finding Forrester, I found myself mildly amused by a site with a simple but devastatingly inane premise: a wallpapered image of Sean Connery, with looping audio of his most famous line from that film, "You're the man now, dog!" I thought it was funny for about 30 seconds, and then I forgot about it altogether.

Well, as it turns out, that particular time waster started (or was at least emblematic of) an entire movement of what are now referred to as "YTMND" pages. I think you can guess what the acronym stands for.

In any case, thousands of such pages exist, so many so that there is actually a Wikipedia-like site cataloging them with comic-book collector care for detail. According to the site, the criteria for a webpage being classified as a YMNTD is:

"a juxtaposition of a single image, optionally animated or tiled, along with large zooming text and a looping sound file."

Naturally, my curiosity and curious lack of anything important to do at the moment have led me to list here my five favorite YMNTD's, as browsed in the past ten minutes:

1. "Mike Tyson: Insane Difficulty Unlocked": An animated GIF of a real Mike Tyson throws random punches while an 8-bit version of Mac, the hero from "Punch Out," scrolls back and forth across the bottom of the screen, trying to avoid the blows. The theme music from "Punch Out" provides the background audio.

2. "New Talent on 60 Minutes": During the telltale ticking intro of that one news show that I can never summon the boredom to continue watching, Mike Wallace and the regular cast introduce themselves. And then other people introduce themselves. It's annoying after only one viewing, but I still wish I'd thought of it.

3. "Clint Eastwood Loves Surprises": They wanted to throw him a birthday party. They made his day, but not in the way they meant to.

4. "Insurance Fraud Bust": This one's only funny if you've ever made it to one of the bonus levels of Street Fighter 2 with Guile.

5. "The Belarian Hummingbird": Will Smith flits about delicately, collecting pollen from a beautiful flower. I laughed audibly.

If you find others worth wasting time on, feel free to add them in the combox.

This Day In History

2009-05-09T04:42:00.002-05:00

On May 9, 1950, Dianetics: The Modern Science of Mental Health was published by L. Ron Hubbard. This causes lingering feelings of sadness in me, but I can't put my finger on the reason why.

So I Made Up A Little Ground.

2009-05-06T16:50:00.002-05:00

But unfortunately, I remain in LAST PLACE in the Cannonball Catholic Blog Awards in the category Best Potpourri of Popery. I look to you, my readership, to get me back in the ring to take another swing.

Also, I am trailing miserably in a fundraising competition between myself and our show's news director, Anna Mitchell, when it comes to rounding up monies for this year's 5k Run for Life to support Right to Life of Greater Cincinnati. As such, I hereby solicit you, my loyal, unwavering, and ready-to-do-my-bidding readership to do the following: head over to MY PAGE and make a donation of either $5 or $10 in my name for this weekend's charity race. As I've stated before, charity or no charity, I'm in this thing to freaking win it. We get between 500 and 700 readers per day here, so if only half of you make $5 donations, I'll regain a comfortable lead.

A serious setback was suffered today, as Pope Benedict XVI made a donation in honor of me, but accidentally made it on Anna's page. Fortunately, this mistake didn't fall under the umbrella of faith and morals, nor was it an ex cathedra donation, so this error in no way constitutes a violation of the dogma of papal infallibility.

Deadline is Friday at 5pm. Make it happen, people.

Dom DeLuise, 8/1/1933-5/4/2009

2009-05-05T17:55:00.002-05:00

Perhaps one of the only reasons I actually suffered all the way through Cannonball Run 2.

Rest in Peace.

Voting For The Cannonball Catholic Blog Awards Has Opened

2009-05-05T08:44:00.003-05:00

And right now, I'm getting spanked by Jay Anderson in the category "Best Potpourri of Popery."

FIX THAT.

Upon The Feast Of St. Florian

2009-05-04T04:35:00.001-05:00

If that's all the bigger the fire was, I could have put it out with one bucket too...

Upon The Feast Of St. Athanasius

2009-05-02T07:10:00.001-05:00

Arianism never had a chance.

Who'da Thunk It Was Possible To Outspend Dubya?

2009-05-01T06:58:00.001-05:00

This is why I raise chickens.

Upon The Feast Of St. Joseph The Worker

2009-05-01T06:36:00.003-05:00

From the Shrine of St. Joseph comes the following prayer:

Joseph, by the work of your hands
and the sweat of your brow,
you supported Jesus and Mary,
and had the Son of God as your fellow worker.

Teach me to work as you did,
with patience and perseverance, for God and
for those whom God has given me to support.
Teach me to see in my fellow workers
the Christ who desires to be in them,
that I may always be charitable and forbearing
towards all.

Grant me to look upon work
with the eyes of faith,
so that I shall recognize in it
my share in God's own creative activity
and in Christ's work of our redemption,
and so take pride in it.

When it is pleasant and productive,
remind me to give thanks to God for it.
And when it is burdensome,
teach me to offer it to God,
in reparation for my sins
and the sins of the world.

Take that, communists.

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs In "Dance, Monkey, Dance!"

2009-05-01T05:42:00.001-05:00

Dear White House: Let Joe Biden talk more. His remarks are perpetual humorous light in these dark and humorless days.

Biden To America: HOLY CRAP! EVERYBODY START FREAKING OUT!!!

2009-04-30T10:38:00.002-05:00

Here's the "heartbeat away from the presidency" response to a 'pandemic' that has claimed a maximum of a dozen people:

...I would tell members of my family — and I have — that I wouldn't go anywhere in confined places now... if you're in a confined aircraft and one person sneezes it goes all the way through the aircraft...

We here at Apoloblogology are trying to decide whether we're relieved by the fact that the Vice President is nowhere near as divisive and evilly cunning as Dick Cheney, or bummed that he's as embarrassingly naive as Dan Quayle.

Ah, politics. Strange how its proponents keep trying to preach to us that its collective employees are somehow different.

Upon The Feast Of Pope St. Pius V

2009-04-30T07:32:00.003-05:00

"I'll see your Reformation, and raise you one Counter-reformation."

Upon The Feast Of St. Catherine Of Siena

2009-04-29T05:46:00.001-05:00

The stigmata, without the stigma.

Margaret Sanger In Her Own Words: Catching The Vision

2009-04-29T05:03:00.005-05:00

Whenever someone like Hillary Clinton says something to the effect that she admires Margaret Sanger's vision, it always prompts me to remind people what exactly that vision is by quoting Sanger herself as to how she thought society should be operating. Tip of the hat to LEARN:

"Organized charity itself is the symptom of a malignant social disease. Those vast, complex, interrelated organizations aiming to control and to diminish the spread of misery and destitution and all the menacing evils that spring out of this sinisterly fertile soil, are the surest sign that our civilization has bred, is breeding and perpetuating constantly increasing numbers of defectives, delinquents and dependents...

...It [charity] encourages the healthier and more normal sections of the world to shoulder the burden of unthinking and indiscriminate fecundity of others; which brings with it, as I think the reader must agree, a dead weight of human waste. Instead of decreasing and aiming to eliminate the stocks that are most detrimental to the future of the race and the world, it tends to render them to a menacing degree dominant.

...The most serious charge that can be brought against modern "benevolence" is that is encourages the perpetuation of defectives, delinquents and dependents. These are the most dangerous elements in the world community, the most devastating curse on human progress and expression."

Vision, indeed. Let's all catch it today, and remind the disabled and dependent among us that they shouldn't be here and that they're dragging all us fit people down.

Upon The Feasts of Sts. Gianna Beretta Molla, Louis De Montfort, And Peter Chanel

2009-04-28T06:37:00.001-05:00

If there were such a geometric possiblity as a three-sided die, Catholics could roll it today to determine which of three significant feasts to observe today. Two French priests and an Italian woman get their day in the liturgical sun. Here are the vitals:

St. Gianna Beretta Molla
-1922 to 1962
-Italian saint
-Physician and surgeon
-While pregnant with her fourth child, doctors discovered an ovarian cyst and recommended Gianna have an abortion. She refused, and died a week after from complications.
-Patron saint against abortion

St. Louis Marie de Monfort
-1673 to 1716
-French saint
-Priest and founder of the Congregation of the Daughters of Divine Wisdom
-Fought Jansenism (which my wife has broadly referred to as "Catholic Calvinism")
-Among those books of his still in print:The Secret of the Rosary and True Devotion to Mary

St Peter Chanel
-1803-1841
-French saint
-Priest and missionary to New Hebrides (now Vanuatu) in the South Pacific shortly after it outlawed cannibalism
-When a native king became jealous of Peter's influence, he had him beaten with clubs and dismembered

Holy men and women, Ora pro nobis!

Too Busy To Post Today

2009-04-27T09:57:00.003-05:00

As such, I've posted the text from the comboxes that involve nudity and Markan authorship(involvement?) in the earliest written Gospel. Since this is a matter of "lowercase 't' tradition" as opposed to "Capital 'T' Tradition," I figure it should generate enough controversy to keep you kids jabbering until I have the leeway to post something else about robots, the pope, or eugenics. Have at ye!

SIXTHSCALE said...
a silly tradition claims that the naked dude is mark... but the text and simple reason seem to disprove that....

Anonymous said...
Sixthscale, I don't see how you can infer from the text or simple reason that the young man wasn't Mark. Mark 14:48-52 (RSV) reads: "And Jesus said to them, 'Have you come out as against a robber, with swords and clubs to capture me? Day after day I was with you in the temple teaching, and you did not seize me. But let the scriptures be fulfilled.' And they all forsook him, and fled. And a young man followed him, with nothing but a linen cloth about his body; and they seized him, but he left the linen cloth and ran away naked."

I agree that there's little there to indicate that the young man *was* Mark, beyond the fact that Mark would have been young at the time, and may have the account as an act of humility or something like that. But I don't see anything in the text that would rule out his being Mark.

Anonymous said...
"[may have] included [the account]" is what I meant to say. "Always preview," I tell myself, but do I listen?

SIXTHSCALE said...
sorry i didn't mean the text of that verse alone... i meant the text of all of the Gospel of Mark.

there is reason to believe from the text that the person who wrote mark got his information from an eyewitness (tradition says it was peter and the text offers a fair amount of support for this as well)
but the writer of Mark's gospel doesn't seem to be personally familiar with the Geography or customs of the area where it takes place...

also the vocabulary of the greek that Mark is written in is much more latinized than the other synoptic gospels implying that the writer wasn't from israel...

there is no indication whatsoever that Mark was the naked guy.

Dustin F said...
The argument for that naked person being Mark, I think, is that the comment about a young man following Jesus, wearing nothing but a linen cloth, is quite a random, pointless comment to insert in the passion narrative unless, perhaps, that person was more significant than simply some random bystander--was, say, the writer of the gospel himself.

And the fact that Mark uses a latinized vocabulary, or that he doesn't seem to know Palestinian geopgraphy all that well, doesn't imply that he wasn't there. Jerusalem was not the most important city in the region (that, I believe, was Caesarea Phillipi), but it wasn't some podunk town, either. There are a number of reasons why Mark might have been there, even if he wasn't a natural Palestinian.

Isn't Mark supposed to be connected with Antioch, actually?

Fill the combox with your theories, my little poppets.

Upon The Feast Of St. Mark

2009-04-25T04:57:00.002-05:00

"And a young man followed him, with nothing but a linen cloth about his body; and they seized him, but he left the linen cloth and ran away naked."

Upon The Feast Of St. George

2009-04-23T04:39:00.003-05:00

Before I became Catholic myself, I lived at Old St. George, a former Catholic Church, in Clifton when I first moved to Cincinnati. It was a time of radical formation for me, and I can sincerely say that my sojourn there, fraught with both joy and distress, has served as much as any other experience of mine when it comes to my understanding of myself.

So in honor of this saint on his feast day, about whose legend we know more than his life, I offer these lyrics from one of the songs that I wrote for a stunted concept album about my life-changing adventures in the building named for his patronage:

Making Your Mother Concerned

Looking for treasures in heaven
I lost all my treasures on earth
Suckered, depleted, broke and defeated,
Hustled, harangued, had and hurt,

And it's damn near impossible
To play a righteous role
Being so bitter and burned,
When you turn 21,
It's never quite as fun
Making your mother concerned.

But I've got my bets on a longshot,
I've got my eyes on the prize,
Heard all the projections predicting defections,
But I'd rather be a surprise,

We train like olympians,
Take it like champions,
When we get beaten and bruised,
'Cause everyone knows the disgrace when you quit
Is worse than the shame when you lose.

It's damn near impossible
Not to be humble
Knowing how broken you are,
But everyone knows that the Spirit sticks closer
To spirits who're falling apart
It shakes out the sickness
To recognize weakness
It undoes the things that you've done,
But I'm lifting up my eyes,
Glad for the exercise,
Glad for the treasures I've earned,
I've not lived so long I can't learn,
But I'm making my mother concerned.

"Clearly, Sterility Doesn't Matter Given That Death Is The Desired Outcome."

2009-04-22T05:45:00.004-05:00

What's creepier? The fact that our culture is seeking to treat the sick among us like racehorses with broken legs, or that euthanasia is being addressed in such casual terms in a forum like Time Magazine? This, from the article glibly titled "Foolproofing Suicide with Euthanasia Test Kits":

When someone with a terminal illness decides to end his or her life by overdosing on barbiturates, they may hope the drugs will lull them into a peaceful and permanent sleep. But if the drugs have passed their expiration date or lack a sufficiently lethal concentration, the would-be suicide victim may actually survive — risking an array of complications including coma, reduced physical functioning and the opprobrium of disapproving friends and family. Now, in an effort to provide certainty to those contemplating suicide, one of the world's leading euthanasia advocates plans to sell barbiturate-testing kits to confirm that deadly drug cocktails are, in fact, deadly.

"People who are seriously ill don't want to experiment," says Dr. Philip Nitschke, the physician known as Dr. Death for his efforts to legalize euthanasia in his native Australia. "They want to know they have the right concentration of drugs so that if they take them in the suggested way, it will provide them with a peaceful death."

The kits, which will debut in Britain in May and retail for $50, include a syringe that allows users to extract half a milliliter of barbiturate solution without breaking the sanitary seal. "Clearly, sterility doesn't matter given that death is the desired outcome," Nitschke says. But the solution deteriorates slower in a sterile environment, allowing those with painful conditions to "lock it away in the back of the cupboard in case things gets too bad." The extracted sample is then mixed with chemicals from the kit; a color change indicates a lethal solution.

I'm wondering how the ads for this will be worded: "Want to end it all, but hate to leave a gross-looking corpse?" or perhaps "have you tried to kill yourself before, but other assisted suicide kits just didn't get you quite dead enough?"

Mercy.

Another Interview I Am Not Likely To Schedule: The Christian Samurai

2009-04-21T11:37:00.002-05:00

I love swords. And stories about people killing other people with them for honorable causes. As I've stated before, I'm about two ethics textbook questions away from being a pacifist. And, alas, most of the shows I watch would be extremely boring if nobody ever got killed. At least I'm self-aware.

In the meantime, I'm not booking this interview:

Author Paul Nowak has posted his book, "The Way of the Christian
Samurai: Reflections for Servant-Warriors of Christ" for free on his website, Eternal-Revolution.com. The book can be downloaded here or for a free will donation.

"After much prayer, I decided that this work should be made as widely avaialalbe (sic) as possible," said Nowak. "Economic issues should not stand in the way of Christians encouraging one another."

ChristianBookReview.net rated "The Way of the Christian Samurai" as an "Essential" book, calling it "an important book that can be read with profit by those in the Church.”

The samurai, whose very title means “one who serves,” were skillful warriors of feudal Japan who devoted themselves fully to the service of their masters, willing even to sacrifice their lives in service to their lord. Christians are also called by their Lord, Jesus, to take up their cross and follow Him, and to seek to lose their life for His sake (Matthew 16:24-25).

While fantastic legends and stories of the samurai are plentiful, "The Way of the Christian Samurai" draws from primary sources – notes, essays, and books written by real samurai from Japan’s feudal era. Their advice on everything from overcoming fear, giving counsel to others, serving one’s Lord, and self-sacrifice are remarkably applicable to the life of the modern Christian.

Author Paul Nowak ties the advice of these servant-warriors of old, pointing out how the selections from samurai texts relate to Christian teachings found in the Scriptures.

The book is a matchless resource for Christians intrigued by the mythos of the samurai or Japanese culture, or for pastors and other spiritual leaders who are looking for anecdotes that illustrate Biblical ideals. Christian parents whose children enjoy Anime or Manga will find it a useful tool in understanding their children’s interests and in ministering to them.

Eternal Revolution prepares and arms Christians to keep, defend and spread the faith in the modern world which is always hostile to genuine Christianity, using reason-based arguments to combat the forces that seek to destroy our society and humanity. The Eternal Revolution blog and other products can be found at Eternal-Revolution.com.

I still plan, once one of my legs gives, to purchase a cane with an embedded sword. But I have no plans, under any impending circumstances, to claim to be a Christian Samurai.

2009 Cannonball Catholic Blog Awards Underway

2009-04-21T07:51:00.003-05:00

Nominate me in one or more of the categories here.

Blagojevich Truth Is Stranger Than Blagojevich Fiction

2009-04-21T05:13:00.004-05:00

Try reading the following story with a straight face:

Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich will ask a U.S. court for permission to leave the United States to participate in a reality TV series in Costa Rica.

Blagojevich is slated to appear in NBC's I'm a Celebrity … Get Me Out of Here, premiering on June 1, NBC confirmed late Tuesday.

Blagojevich "will be a participant on the show pending the court's approval," the statement said.

(...)

Blagojevich will receive $80,000 per week he appears in the reality series, which will pit 10 minor celebrities against each other in Survivor inspired competitions, the Chicago Tribune reported, citing an unnamed source. Viewers of the series, which is scheduled to run for four weeks, will get to decide who leaves the Costa Rican jungle after each episode.

NBC describes the series as "the ultimate Swiss Family Robinson" that will challenge the competitors to win food, supplies and luxury items while testing their skills at adapting to the wilderness. The last remaining celebrity will be "crowned King or Queen of the Jungle," according to a statement from NBC, and will receive a cash prize for a charity of their choice.

Blagojevich will seek permission from Judge James Zagel, who is presiding over the corruption trial, to take part in the series, said an attorney close to Blagojevich's legal team who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

Currently Blagojevich's bail does not allow him to leave the United States.

I was crestfallen when Hot Rod slipped out of the news cycle; his presence made the current events docket not just tolerable, but actually entertaining. Here's hoping that Milorad keeps the hits coming.

This Day In History

2009-04-19T07:38:00.004-05:00

Waco, TX: On April 19, 1993, a 51-day U.S. Government standoff against the Branch Davidian compound led by cult founder David Koresh ended in a fire, killing 81 people.

Oklahoma City, OK: On April 19, 1995, The Alfred P. Murrah building is bombed by domestic terrorist Timothy McVeigh, killing 168 people.

Thanks a lot, Dave and Tim, for getting moderately sane people like me put into consideration when it comes to things like this.

Upon The Feast Of St. Bernadette Soubirous

2009-04-16T17:13:00.000-05:00

"You must receive God well; give Him a loving welcome, for then He has to pay us rent."

Dubai Doubles A Dromedary

2009-04-15T07:24:00.002-05:00

Five years ago, if I had read a headline like "Dubai Claims World's First Cloned Camel," I would have treated it like an email from a Nigerian businessman. These days, however, anytime I see a story about a woman extracting sperm from her dead son, or someone trying to reanimate a sabretooth tiger, I pretty much take it as gospel.

And unless PhysOrg.com is scamming me, I'm pretty sure that there's now a camel running around some Middle Eastern cage that has the same genetic makeup as another camel that was sold for meat four years earlier.

The only thing that made me think for a second that it was a hoax: the director of the lab that did the deed is named Dr. Lulu Skidmore.

Thank You, Future, For Freaking Us All Out With Gross New Ethical Questions

2009-04-15T04:57:00.003-05:00

In my collegiate days, I remember many a coffee-sustained night in many a dorm room and diner wherein my fellow budding intellects and I tackled improbable ethical question after improbable ethical question in the interest of stimulating both our common desire to work our philosophical muscles, and our common interest in The X Files.

I remember pondering questions such as, "when science comes up with ways to replace every human body part incrementally with mechanical parts, at what point does the person cease to have a human soul?", "is it immoral to murder a child zombie?" and "should that lady in The Good Son have let go of Elijah Wood or Macaulay Culkin?"

However, never in our wildest imaginations could we have come up with something as disturbing and ethically befuddling as what one greiving mother is trying to accomplish:

A Texas woman, Missy Evans, has harvested her dead son's sperm and hopes to find a surrogate and one day raise her son's child.

(...)

Nikolas Colton Evans had talked about how much he wanted to have a child, but the 21-year-old died after he was punched and hit his head on the ground in a fight. Evans isn't concerned about what others might think. She says she is only doing what her son would have wanted. "He would love me so much for doing this," she told the Associated Press.

After a doctor told her that nothing more could be done for her son, Missy Evans came up with the idea of harvesting his sperm. She discussed the idea with her ex-husband, her older son and other family members, and said all supported her wish to help a part of Nikolas live on through his future offspring. She said her son once told her he wanted three sons and had already picked out names.

(...)

Evans had to go to court to get permission to harvest his sperm. On Tuesday, a Travis County probate judge granted her wish and ordered that local officials nearly freeze his body so experts could come in and take his sperm to allow a future birth.

Apoloblogology Bioethics Correspondent Dr. Ian Malcom, when reached for comment, had this to say: ""Genetic power is the most awesome force the planet's ever witnessed, yet you wield it like a mom that's harvested her kid's semen."

Phil Spector's Choice In Buttons Reveals How He's Going To Try To Avoid Serving His Full Sentence For Murder

2009-04-14T06:39:00.001-05:00

Annual Triduum Post: An Egg, Lidless, Wreathed In Flame, And That's No Moon, That's A Space Ovum!

2009-04-11T10:11:00.002-05:00

Upon Good Friday

2009-04-10T04:14:00.001-05:00

Yes, sin is that bad.

Upon Holy Thursday

2009-04-09T05:46:00.001-05:00

Pedicures for the pending priesthood.

Kumar Goes To Washington

2009-04-08T19:10:00.004-05:00

True story. And I swear it's not a RickRoll.

Upon Spy Wednesday

2009-04-08T17:25:00.002-05:00

Thirty pieces of silver: the Torah's official penalty when your ox gores somebody's slave (Ex 21:32).

The Most Entertained I've Been In Minutes...

2009-04-07T06:59:00.003-05:00

...is when I just read the "Facebook Passion." It features gems such as the following:

...although in other spots, it appears to go a bit far. In any case, a clever premise.

Prominent Scientists Have Obviously Not Been Watching Soylent Green

2009-04-06T05:30:00.005-05:00

Has the whole world gone insane? From the BBC comes this story that indicates further slippage down the slope (emphasis mine):

(Dignitas founder)Ludwig Minelli told the BBC suicide was a "marvellous possibility" and he wants the assisted suicide law clarified for the healthy partners of dying people. (You read that right: dying is awesome, even if you're healthy.)

(...)

In his first broadcast interview for five years, Mr Minelli told BBC Radio 4's The Report that failed suicide attempts created problems and heavy costs for the UK's National Health Service. (Not to mention all that mess- yuck!)

(...)

He added: "Suicide is a very good possibility to escape a situation which you can't alter." (Like parenthood, or taxes?)

(...)

"We are not a clinic. As a human rights lawyer I am opposed to the idea of paternalism. We do not make decisions for other people." (I can only assume that this means he is against abortion.)

And Mr Minelli revealed that his organisation plans to test the legality of assisting the suicide of a healthy woman whose partner is terminally ill.

"There is a couple living in Canada, the husband is ill, his partner is not ill but she told us here in my living room that 'if my husband goes, I would go at the same time with him'. (Hence making death of a 'broken heart' a medical reality).

(...)

Dignitas is known in Britain for having helped more than 100 people to kill themselves.

The majority were terminally ill, but there have been more controversial cases such as psychiatric patients and couples, even when one was less ill than the other. (But hey, they probably thought someone was giving them some candy, so they probably enjoyed it.)

Let me reiterate a point that has become nearly axiomatic in our society: what sounds crazy in Europe today will sound perfectly normal in the United States five years from now.

Upon Palm Sunday Of Our Lord's Passion

2009-04-05T06:59:00.002-05:00

"Hosanna! No, wait, crucify him!"

Today reminds us that we are all members of the mob.

"Both Religions Say There's Only One God..."

2009-04-02T14:01:00.004-05:00

But only one of them claims Mohammed is his prophet.

Can someone be both "100 percent" Christian and Muslim simultaneously? Recently defrocked Episcopal priest Ann Holmes Redding of Rhode Island thinks so.

And no, I'm not kidding. Here are the juiciest excerpts from the story, which originally ran in the Christian Post:

An Episcopal priest who claimed to be both Christian and Muslim was defrocked, effective Wednesday.

Bishop Geralyn Wolf of the Episcopal Diocese of Rhode Island deposed Ann Holmes Redding, citing abandonment of Communion of The Episcopal Church.

Although Wolf has described Redding as a "woman of utmost integrity," the bishop said she "believes that a priest of the Church cannot be both a Christian and a Muslim," according to a statement by the Rhode Island diocese.

(snip)

An ordained minister in The Episcopal Church for over two decades, Redding made headlines in 2007 when she told the Seattle Times she was "100 percent" Muslim and Christian. Her story was first revealed in the Episcopal Diocese of Olympia's newspaper, the Episcopal Voice.

Three years ago, Redding attended an interfaith gathering where she said was moved by Muslim prayers. She said she felt an overwhelming conviction to surrender to God and soon after she became a practicing Muslim.

Convinced that her new Muslim faith did not contradict her beliefs as a Christ follower, Redding declared she was both a Muslim and a Christian.

"Both religions say there's only one God," Redding said, according to CNN, "and that God is the same God. It's very clear we are talking about the same God! So I haven't shifted my allegiance."

She also said she does not believe that God and Jesus are the same and believes Jesus is divine just as all humans are divine.

And I used to think that the only people who thought Christianity and Islam were basically the same were people like Christopher Hitchens and Sam Harris, who claim that believing in the Resurrection is basically the same as being willing to fly a plane into the World Trade Center.

Starved To Death

2009-04-01T04:21:00.005-05:00

Four years ago this week.

Mind you, not taken off a ventilator, not relieved from the perils of a terminal disease, nor liberated from the oppression of death-inducing brain damage.

Just starved.

Nation, take note. Oregon insurance companies have already instituted policies in which those dying of "whatever" are allocated moneys to purchase death medicine, but not funds to buy life-sustaining drugs through the waning hours of there sojourn here on Earth. Of course, the last thing a dying person needs is more time...

And bear in mind, Our Current President's greatest regret as a lawmaker involved the above situation, specifically as regarded his life-sustaining vote in that matter:

"I think that was a mistake, and I think the American people understood that that was a mistake. And as a constitutional law professor, I knew better..."

Reminds me of a similar situation with the previous administration:

In the week before [Karla Faye Tucker's] execution, Bush says, Bianca Jagger and a number of other protesters came to Austin to demand clemency for Tucker. "Did you meet with any of them?" I ask.

Bush whips around and stares at me. "No, I didn't meet with any of them," he snaps, as though I've just asked the dumbest, most offensive question ever posed. "I didn't meet with Larry King either when he came down for it. I watched his interview with [Tucker], though. He asked her real difficult questions, like 'What would you say to Governor Bush?' "

"What was her answer?" I wonder.

"Please," Bush whimpers, his lips pursed in mock desperation, "don't kill me."

Kill the murderer.

Kill the invalid.

Kill the unborn.

Kill the pre-born with eugenic defects.

Kill everything in sight.

Then, and only then, the economy will right itself.

Thank God for pragmatism.

Obama: U.S. To Bail Out Struggling Video Game Industry

2009-04-01T03:45:00.004-05:00

No joke.

I feel like I live in an alternate universe, and that the real me is extremely confused by all my fictional goings-on.

Everything's Bigger In...

2009-03-30T10:19:00.002-05:00

On March 30, 1867, United States Secretary of State William H. Seward purchased Alaska for $7.2 million, which comes out to about $.02 an acre. What would $7.2 million buy in today's economy, you might ask? Here's a brief run-down:

-A donation from tbe Bill and Melinda Gates foundation to Seattle's public school system

-A Morgan Stanley bank error that wrongly hosed customers of the Xerox corporation

-The retirement stipend to the former head of Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Vermont

-How much stimulus money the VA Center in Syracuse is getting from the federal government

-How much in campaign contributions President Obama had received by "Super Tuesday"

-The 1999 salary that the Anaheim Angels paid to Mo Vaughn

...To name a few.

And to quote an Alaskan I met in my brief sojourn there just over a decade ago, if you were to cut it in half, Texas would be the third biggest state.

Babylon Kneels Before Her Digital Master

2009-03-30T05:19:00.003-05:00

Not content to rule us merely in the temporal order, it appears that robots are now attempting to conquer the spiritual one as well. At informationageprayer.com, Protestants (as though they were a monolithic body), Catholics, Jews, Muslims, and those who describe themselves as "Unaffiliated" (I can only assume this refers to those who worship at the grocery magazine racks) can submit prayers to be voiced by synthesizers and played on loop. If you're like me, you have lots of questions about this. Fortunately, the FAQ section gives us some semblance of clarity as to how the whole thing works. Here are some excerpts:

-The omniscient God knows exactly who has subscribed and who each prayer is from when their name is displayed on screen and their prayer voiced.

-We use state of the art text-to-speech synthesizers to voice each prayers at a volume and speed equivalent to typical person praying. Each prayer is voiced individually, with the name of the subscriber displayed on screen. If the prayer is for someone else, then that name is displayed on screen instead.

-Prices are determined by the length of the prayer. A discounted prayer will cost less than other prayers of similar length.

And so forth.

Right now, in keeping with the times, the Prayer for Economic Stability is neatly discounted- for only $3.95, you can get a month's worth of robot intercession. But be sure to heed the caveat attached to the prayer, which warns that the subscription is "not an alternative to fiscal responsibility!" If that's outside your means, they're running a special on Hail Mary's at $.07 apiece.

Unfortunately, there's no information on whether or not there's an extra charge if you want to add the phrase "Father God" after every fifth word.

Coming Soon To An Administration Near You

2009-03-25T14:15:00.002-05:00

Don't waste your breath seeking which former or current administration to blame. They each have (had) their own favorite rich folk to cater to, at the expense of pretty much everyone else. The situation is (will be?) the same soon enough.

This is why I raise chickens.

Mainstream Media Offering Comprehensive Coverage Of The Pope's Visit To Africa

2009-03-20T05:44:00.002-05:00

And when I say "comprehensive," I mean they're sticking their fingers in their ears and saying "LA LA LA CONDOMS LA LA LA!"

Enlightening The New York Times, Et. Al.

2009-03-19T11:32:00.004-05:00

Rich Leonardi passes along some sanity from Joanna Bogle:

"Let's take the figures. The Phillipines and Thailand both reported their first cases of HIV in 1984. Thailand enacted a widespread condom-distribution programme. The Filipino government took a different approach - the Church had a considerable influence in what is a heavily Catholic country. Figures for 2005: Thailand's cases of AIDS 580,000; The population of the Phillipines , with a population of 84 million, just 12,000, or 0.03 per cent.

Evidence from Africa is interesting, too. Uganda, which was the first country to implement a non-condom approach, had a very low percentage of AIDS infection (4 per cent of the population). Swaziland - where there was a big condom-campaign: 42.6 per cent of the population."

Hey white people! Drop a pallette of condoms on Africa, and you won't have to actually address the AIDS crisis with critical thought!

I'm sure the warring rapist tribes of this violence torn continent will eliminate this viral expansion, as long as they use the "prophylactic tactic" before violating villagers.

Seriously- why hasn't the world come to understand that prevention (ACTUAL PREVENTION) is the best cure, instead of of putting a Scooby-Doo band-aid on the passionate erections of conscience-free sexual predators in Africa? What would happen if we flagged them there like they flagged them here?

A paradigmatic shift is the only way to solve the AIDS problem in Africa, not a latex endorsment of the current way of life.

Upon The Solemnity Of St. Joseph

2009-03-19T06:21:00.002-05:00

Terror of Demons, ora pro nobis!

Jesus And Gandalf...

2009-03-18T11:27:00.003-05:00

Are collaborating.

Both have long hair and awesome beards. Both have connections to supernatural power. But one hates Christians, and the other, well, you know.

Keeping an eye on this one...

A Statement About Society

2009-03-17T11:17:00.003-05:00

Hike o' the hairpiece to Pat Madrid; this commentary reflects my own views about the state of our culture.

I Watch This Every St. Patrick's Day

2009-03-17T07:12:00.003-05:00

Upon The Feast Of St. Patrick

2009-03-17T05:46:00.004-05:00

Certain secular practices associated with sacred feasts baffle me, but no day on the liturgical calendar causes me more bewilderment than the one honoring St. Patrick, the "Apostle of Ireland."

Today, everyone is Irish. That, I suppose, wouldn't be that odd, except for the fact that on the patronal feast days of other countries, I don't see similar occasions of everyone pretending to be from there. On the Feast of St. George, patron of Canada, I don't see everyone drinking Tim Horton's coffee and chasing it with Molson. I don't play extra games of Katamari Damacy on December 3, the feast of St. Francis Xavier, patron of Japan. And I don't listen to Bjork on the feast of Thorlac Thorhallson, patron of Iceland (come to think of it, I don't really listen to her on other days either).

So today, while you're mimicking a drunken leprechaun and coloring rivers green, pinching all the party poopers and faking your brogue, just be sure not to neglect similar nationalistic expressions on other feast days. I don't want to see any of you messing with Sicilians when death is on the line on the Feast of St. Nicholas, December 6.

Bracketology 2009: Magisterial Fidelity Edition

2009-03-16T04:56:00.005-05:00

In the spirit of President Dwight D. Eisenhower, who once described an atheist as someone "who watches a Notre Dame-SMU football game and doesn't care who wins," we here at the staff of Apoloblogology have decided to revisit the spirit of the Thirty Years' War and present to you "Bracketology 101: Magisterial Fidelity Edition."

This is a methodology of bracket selection I've employed for years, and works especially well for those who want to take part in office pools but don't have much interest in things like winning. The criteria go as follows:

1. In games between religious schools and nonreligious schools, the religious school is picked.

2. In games between Christian schools and schools with other religious affiliations, the Christian school is picked.

3. In games between Catholic schools and protestant schools, the Catholic school is picked.

4. In games between Catholic schools, the one with the highest degree of fidelity to the Magisterium is picked.

The rules are simple, and produce interesting results. I've taken the liberty of walking you through some of the more epic battles likely to take place when this method of bracket selection is applied. I've also taken liberty with the rules stated above, as a nod to those Magisterially unfaithful Catholic universities who love it when liberty gets taken with rules:

Midwest Round 2: Utah vs Wake Forest

One might think that the University of Utah is a state institution, but research reveals that it was actually founded by no less than Brigham Young himself, the Latter Day Saint of Latter Day Saints. Not only that, but its former name was the University of Deseret. And what, pray tell is Deseret? Well, it just happens to be the word for "honeybee" in the Jaredite language (hence, "The Beehive State"). For those of you who don't follow Mormon lore, the Jaredites were a tribe of people who sailed to the Americas during the construction of the Tower of Babel. I say the Baptists at Wake Forest will handily win this one.

West Round 4: BYU vs Marquette

Here's a fun quote from our pal Brigham Young:

"Now if any of you will deny the plurality of wives, and continue to do so, I promise that you will be damned."

Jesuit run-Marquette, all the way.

East Round 3: Villanova vs Duke

Duke's Divinity school has an impressive roster, with the likes of Stanley Hauerwas and Amy Hall, and I liked Grant Wacker's book on Pentecostalism. I feel my Methodist tendencies rising. This one goes into double overtime, before the Wildcats win on a buzzer beater.

Midwest Round 3: Wake Forest vs Siena

I really enjoyed Wake Forest president Nathan Hatch's The Democratization of American Christianity; it's a must-read for anyone who wants some historical insight into why we are the way we are. However, St. Catherine of Siena, as it's been depicted in art, has been assaulted by evil spirits before and risen victorious, my guess is that her battle with the Demon Deacons will be similarly successful.

South Round 4: Syracuse vs Gonzaga

I have family connections to Syracuse; my in-laws met there. However, with St. Patrick's day coming this week, it would be an act of betrayal to support the cause of Orangeism, especially as it has manifested itself in Ireland. Gonzaga wins, but the families of the two teams dispute it for the next several centuries.

East Round 4: Xavier vs. Villanova

Scanning the faculty and course descriptions of Villanova's theology department, they appear to be, in the words of the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, "Mostly Harmless." They may be the devil I don't know. But the devil I do know is Xavier University, which is peppered with staff who think that Jesus and Mary Magdalene were the ancestors of the Marovingian kings, and that his body was eaten by wild dogs. Go 'Nova.

Midwest Round 3: Dayton vs Boston College

This is a tough one; Dayton has the Marian Library, which is pretty amazing. Boston College has Peter Kreeft, who might himself be considered a walking library. Plus, BC just put crucifixes back in the classrooms, which I applaud. Dayton could certainly take a hint or two when it comes to Catholic identity. However, because I have paid partial money toward an eventual degree at Dayton, I'll go with my potential future alma mater. Flyers in a squeaker.

Feel free to leave your own criteria for your bracket selection methodology in the combox below...

THE IDES.

2009-03-15T07:59:00.003-05:00

Beware 'em!

Infectious? Inflammatory? Inconsequential?

2009-03-13T05:58:00.003-05:00

Inimitable, at the very least:

Bow of the biretta to Fr. Finigan.

What My Democratic State Representative (Steve Driehaus) Sent To President Barack Obama Regarding My Tax Dollars Funding Overseas Abortions

2009-03-12T11:18:00.004-05:00

Full text follows:

"Dear Mr. President:

"I am writing to express my disappointment in your executive order to rescind the Mexico City Policy which separated funding for abortion and family planning in America's foreign aid programs. I respectfully urge you to reconsider your position.

"First developed in the Reagan Administration, the Mexico City Policy separated family planning activities from abortion, therefore ensuring that groups who promote abortion as a method of family planning would not be able to fund their activities at the expense of American Taxpayers. The policy simply ensured that taxpayer money was not used abroad to fund highly controversial abortion providers. Its repeal sends the wrong message overseas that the United States promotes abortion.

"As a pro-life member of Congress, I have a deep respect for human life and am troubled by any policies that threatedn it. I appreciate your consideration of my position, and I look forward to working with you and your administration in the future.

Sincerely,

Steve Driehaus
Member of Congress."

Here's hoping he actually sent the letter. It was forwarded to me in response to my disgust at the possibility of the passage of the Freedom of Choice Act. The letter I receieved directly from Congressman Driehaus in response to my concern indicated that abortion was "one issue among many," and that Brave New World experimentation on the most vulnerable in our society was acceptable, as long as more biologically mature Americans could get better health care service.

As someone who didn't vote for Driehaus, but rather for his opponent (Steve Chabot, the man who spearheaded the bill making it illegal to stab scissors in the back of a partially-born infant's head), I applaud his intestinal fortitude on this matter, which puts him obviously out of step with many in his party. I can only hope that his trajectory on other related matters remains consistent with his position on the above matter.

And I hope that his mailing is not a mere attempt to pacify me.

I Do Not Think That Means What You Think It Means

2009-03-12T06:03:00.004-05:00

In case you don't want to sit through the CNN interview that Bill Clinton did with Dr. Sanjay Gupta on the topic of Embryonic Stem Cell Research, I've gone to the trouble to excerpt the former president's thoughts on the issue of what "ethical" precautions the oversight committees should take when it comes to determining guidelines for the research:

"I think these committees need to make it clear that they're not gonna fool with any embryos where there's any possiblity, even if it's somewhat remote, that they could be fertilized and become human beings."

He and Hillary must be eating brownies out of the same pan these days. For those of you who failed sex-ed (or just snickered the whole time), an embryo is, by definition, fertilized. It is the successful union of sperm and egg.

It's incomprehensible to me that people who have this level of scientific understanding are being consulted for the determination of what is and is not scientifically permissible in the Brave New World.

Because They're Trying To Figure Out How To Make Cylons

2009-03-11T06:12:00.005-05:00

A 'Battlestar Galactica' Panel Discussion At The United Nations

Upon The Feast Of St. Vindician

2009-03-11T05:08:00.002-05:00

7th century bishop of Cambria. Preached against the excesses of the Marovingian kings, who were absolutely not the descendants of Jesus and Mary Magdalen, despite what Dan Brown or other historical pretenders might have you think.

Fun With Hillary

2009-03-10T07:29:00.003-05:00

With Bushisms in swift decline, it's nice to see Hillary step up to the plate, giving us some great soundbites from her trip to Europe (emphasis mine):

"It is hard enough with two parties to come to any resolution, and I say this very respectfully, because I feel the same way about our own democracy, which has been around a lot longer than European democracy."

The remark provoked much headshaking in the parliament of a bloc that likes to trace back its democratic tradition thousands of years to the days of classical Greece.

One working lunch later with EU leaders, Clinton raised more eyebrows when she referred to EU foreign policy chief Javier Solana, who stood beside her, as "High Representative Solano."

She also dubbed European Commission External Relations Commissioner Benita Ferrero-Waldner as "Benito.".

Another Reason Why This Is Not Just Like The Great Depression

2009-03-10T04:58:00.003-05:00

As pundits and politicians continue to fire cannonballs of gloom and doom at our ever-sinking ship of consumer confidence, media outlets cannot seem to resist trying to convince us that our current situation is as bad as the Great Depression. They seem to forget that the rules of psychology also apply to the rules of economics in this regard, namely, that the more you talk about how Depressed you are, the more Depressed you get.

That being said, allow me to state emphatically that even though I've expanded my garden this year, and begun my foray into small animal husbandry, I in no way believe that it's As Bad Now As It Was Then. And to prove it, here's a story from West Virginia's News and Sentinel about how people actually lived during the Great Depression, when their greatest concern wasn't whether or not they'd be able to afford the cell phone bill:

When Amma resident Howard Carper Jr. was a boy in the late 1930s and early 1940s, he and his family survived on what the land would provide and little else.

Unlike many families in more urban settings, they had meat at most meals. In the fall, they butchered hogs. Otherwise, the woods around the farm yielded the family's meat.

Every day after school, Carper and his older brother, the late Roscoe Carper Sr., scoured the woods near the farm for whatever small game they could find. There were no deer in that area then, so they kept the family fed with small game.

It was a daily routine, the boys came home from school, their mother, Annie Carper, would perhaps thrust a biscuit in their pockets, Roscoe grabbed a .22 rifle and off the boys went in search of game. As night fell, they returned home and their mother cleaned the game, soaked the meat in saltwater and stored it in the cool spring house for consumption the following day.

Carper said the boys learned a great deal about animals. They learned how they behaved and knew where they lived.

"The groundhogs, muskrats, squirrels, rabbits, possums, skunks and raccoons sure had a hard time when me and Roscoe was boys," Carper said.

Their hunting style bears little resemblance to most hunting today. It was Depression-era hunting, hunting that the family not only relied on for sustenance, but with a maxim of shooting only when absolutely necessary.

Larger animals, such as raccoons, Roscoe dispatched with the .22 rifle. Squirrels, however, the younger Carper brother sometimes killed with his bare hands. Shells, after all, cost money. Minor injuries from bites did not.

"We hunted with dogs and when the dogs would tree a squirrel and he'd go in his hole. I had a pair of lineman's spikes and I climbed the tree, reach in the hole and pull him out by the tail," Carper recalled.

Squirrels have long, sharp teeth for breaking into hard nuts for the meat inside. Those teeth also are very efficient against the hands of young boys reaching into their dens.

"Squirrels have sure got some teeth. I've got scars on my hands today from those squirrels," he said.

One of the worst scars comes from a time when Carper was locked in a life-and-death struggle with a squirrel and the only weapons the boy had were his thumb and forefinger.

"I stuck my fingers in his hole to pull him out by the tail, but as I was reaching in, he was coming out headfirst and latched on to my little finger. He about bit it plum off. I was up in the tree trying to choke him with my fingers and Ross (Carper) yells up 'You can't fall down, it's about 100 feet straight down over the hill.' It took a good while, but I finally got that squirrel strangled with my fingers. I've still got a scar from that," he said.

Just as in Parkersburg, Carper said there was virtually no actual money circulating in the Roane County economy. Muskrat hides, however, were an unofficial legal tender in Roane County. He traded 13 muskrat hides for his first rifle, a .22 single-shot Winchester.

So next time you hear someone complain about how we're in another Great Depression, ask them if they've ever strangled a squirrel.